Famine resistant Hollywood director Kevin Smith — who you may recall was not so long ago ejected, rather slowly of course, from a Southwest Airlines flight — has now brought about the demise of “Allure of the Seas,” the world’s largest cruise ship.
Last night at 6.17 pm the ship listed to starboard and capsized after Smith, who was trying to devour an entire pig at the time, let the greasy delicacy slip from his grasp. Desperate to retrieve his entrée, Smith waddled around the dining room trying to seize the swinish snack. When it slid out onto the right side of the deck, Smith – despite having been ordered to spend the entire trip planted firmly in the middle of the ship — made the mistake of following. The ship immediately became over balanced and started to tip to the right. By this time Smith had finally succeeded in catching the pig, but as it was now hanging over the railing he refused to let go when asked to go back to the center of the ship. Within seconds the ship had tipped over into the ocean, catapulting everyone on board into the brine.
Thankfully, there were no casualties as all passengers and crew managed to climb on to Smith’s highly buoyant frame, and after sticking a mast in his belly button and using his shorts as a sail they were able to safely make their way back to the mainland.
The ship’s owners, Royal Caribbean International, are planning to sue Mr. Smith for two billion dollars for the loss of the ship and its fittings, as well as a further 5 billion for causing crew and passengers emotional distress and for grossing everyone out.
When asked why they allowed such a dangerous passenger to come on board, a representative for the line pointed out that when he boarded the ship three weeks ago Smith — who was taking the trip to celebrate a recent weight loss — was of an acceptable size but that he soon took to spending all day at the buffet table. According to the captain, “We should have seen disaster coming when two weeks in, after a stopover in Italy during which Mr. Smith went on a cannoli eating rampage, we had to airlift him onto the deck. We thought at the time that asking Mr. smith to stay in the center of the ship would be enough, but as we saw last night, we were wrong.”
According to a statement released by Mr. Smith, he is launching a countersuit in which he blames the entire incident on the slipperiness of the pig he was trying to eat, “How do the cruise owners expect a person to eat something smothered in grease without it slipping out of his grasp? It’s lunacy!”
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