Sci-Fi or Sci-Reality?

 

Dear Ambrose,

Did the hover cars i see in old science fiction movies ever come into being, or has popular culture been leading me astray all these years?

Bewildered In Beverley Hills

Los Angeles

Dear Bewildered In Beverley Hills,

Hover cars did, indeed, exist, and mostly hovered about two feet off the ground. This meant that they could not see midgets who were crossing the street, and this in turn led to many midget fatalities. The most notable of these was that of Herve Villechaize, who was decapitated by one of these contraptions when he was crossing the street with his poodle. This led to a massive outcry, which in turn led to the hover car being permanently banned and all patents being destroyed. This is why you rarely see hover cars nowadays, except in illegal hover car drag races.

P.S

Herve’s poodle was okay as he was shorter than two feet and wearing a helmet.

Hoping i have been of help,
Ambrose

Puzzled by Picture

 

Dear Ambrose,

What is this a picture of?

Cliff Enthusiast
Michigan

Dear Cliff Enthusiast,

This is a picture of the White Cliffs of Grover. They are on the west coast of the U.S and face towards Australia. They are named in honor of Grover Cleveland, who was an Australian-born kangaroo who eventually became president of the U.S.

Hoping i have been of help,
Ambrose

A Question of Color

 

Dear Ambrose,
I am a white man dating a black woman who is starting to show signs of mental instability or, to be less polite about it, she’s going kinda bonkers. To be honest, the reason i started dating a black chick was that i had always heard that “True black don’t crack.” Have the NAACP been lying to me all these years? And if so, can i sue them?

Febrile In The Jungle
Los Angeles

Dear Febrile In The Jungle,

It’s only true black that don’t crack. Could it be that your girlfriend is just a white woman who never comes out of the shadows? Does she insist on keeping the curtains drawn all the time? Does she wear a paper bag on her head and gardening gloves whenever outside the house? Has she ever claimed to be that rarest of creatures – a black Albino? If so, you may have fallen prey to the oldest scam in the book – a white chick pretending to be black in the hopes that you’ll never go back.

Hoping i have been of help,
Ambrose

 

A Matter of Morality

 

Dear Ambrose,

Is it true that morality comes from the bible?

Unreliably Moral In New York

California

 

Dear Unreliably Moral In New York,

No, morality does not come from the bible. Morality actually comes from the great Spanish philosopher Francisco Morales, who was the first person to codify a code of morals called, if i remember correctly, “Los Morales De Morales.”

Hoping i have been of help,

Ambrose

 

Classic Radio Riddle

 

Dear Ambrose,

I was listening to classic radio the other day, and they played something called Kung Fu Fighting from 1974. How did Kung Fu ever become popular enough to spawn a hit song?

Classic Sock Lover

Sock Town, USA

 

Dear Classic Sock Lover,

 

There is a great misunderstanding going on here. Kung Fu fighting does not, in this case, refer to fighting in the style of Kung Fu, but to fighting with a troublesome Chinese individual called Kung Fu. Mr. Fu was a very quarrelsome man who went out of his way to start fights with everyone he met, usually by making fun of their grandmother’s shoes. This, of course, led to just about everyone getting into a fight with Kung, and spawned the song you seem to be referring to. The cantankerous Mr. Fu’s reign of terror came to an end in 1976,  the year that he started a fight with notorious mobster Franky “The Halibut” Marcellano. As a result, Mr. Fu ended up at the bottom of the Hudson sporting some unusual concrete footwear. This, incidentally, is why Mafia slang refers to concrete blocks as Kung Fu Shoes.

 

Hoping i have been of help,

Ambrose

 

Genetically Altered Felines?

 

Dear Ambrose,

I notice that these days a lot of cats seem to grow in flower pots. Is this the doing of genetic tampering by some nefarious corporation?

Concerned Citizen

Alabamy

 

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Cats growing out of flower pots is nothing to worry about. Fact is, since the dawn of time cats have always grown out of flower pots. You would know this if you had paid attention in high school biology class. But noooo, you had to be smoking pot and listening to heavy metal, didn’t you? If you ask me, your real worry is that your cat looks kind of evil, so don’t be surprised if late one of these nights you hear an eerie mewing demanding, “Feed me, Concerned Citizen, feed me!”

P.S

Might be a good idea to keep him away from explosives, as well.

Hoping i have been of help,

Ambrose

 

A Milky Muddle

 

Dear Ambrose,

My friend told me that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Is this true, or is my friend just a jerk?

Guy With Suspect Friends

Ohio

 

Dear Guy With Suspect Friends,

Yes, chocolate milk does come from brown cows but not only from brown cows. All cow  milk is chocolate flavored, but as not everyone likes chocolate milk some of it is de-chocolatized before being sold. This is what is meant when milk is “pausterized,” Louis Pasteur having been the man who invented the de-chocolatizing process.

Hoping i have been of help,

Ambrose

 

The Things I Have To Put Up With…

 

Dear Ambrose,

Help! My cat is trying to kill me! I suspect that…

 

Dear Whoever You Are,

You suspect what? How can i help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on? You really must try to be a little more articulate in describing what it is that troubles you.

P.S

And next time, try not to get so much ketchup on your letter.

 

Hoping i have been of help,

Ambrose