Another Child Star Goes Bad

Police are today searching for former TV and movie actor Casper the Friendly Ghost after the once-popular child star was filmed attempting to rob a liquor store in Alabama. In the video, the otherworldly miscreant can be seen running frantically around and attempting to pluck various boxes from the store’s back room, but because of his incorporeal state he succeeds only in making a spectacle of himself. Despite his inability to actually steal anything, Alabama authorities say that Casper, whose last name is McFadden, can still be charged with breaking and entering. Responding to media inquiries earlier today, Mr. McFadden’s agent denied that the person in the video was his client, instead blaming the whole thing on one of Alabama’s many alcoholic Klansmen.

Actress Christina Ricci, who co-starred with Casper in 1995’s imaginatively titled feature film “Casper meets Christina Ricci” has expressed great surprise at this scandalous development in her former co-star’s life, telling our correspondent : “Never during our work together did I have even the slightest inkling that there was a rampaging alcoholic lurking beneath that smiling façade. The very idea of Casper sucking down a bottle of Jack is ludicrous. Cocaine, though, that was another matter – Casper had so much of the stuff lying around his trailer that by the time you left you were almost as white as he was!”

“Strewth, can’t a bloke get some bloody service in this place?!?!”

Australians like to pretend that their country isn’t crawling with cute marsupial bastards, but don’t you believe them. In Australia you can’t even go for a walk down the street without bumping into a wombat or to the local 7-11without meeting a wallaby, and this news story proves it. Why else would there be a kangaroo standing in the middle of a drug store? And this isn’t even out in the sticks, or whatever Australians call the middle of nowhere, this is in a large city called Melbourne — though for all I know, a city in Australia may simply be a small town with a population of about 300 and a small but impressive museum about outhouses.

The kangaroo had apparently been slightly injured and decided to hop into the drug store for some band-aids and ointment. For its trouble the furry invalid was mugged and abducted by some wildlife rescue people who decided to call the errant marsupial Cyrus, Cyrus being the most popular male name in Australia due to the country having been discovered back in 1732 by a lost Irish fisherman called Cyrus McGillicuddy.

 

Reports so far indicate that the kangaroo has no serious injuries, though he is feeling bewildered by all the attention and is eager to go back home to his flock…

I Guess A Big Angry Bear Isn’t Much Use Against A Pissed Off Martian…

Shock news today, as Russia reveals it does not have the capabilities to fight off hordes of invading aliens. That’s space aliens, not the guy who does your gardening.

A Russian defense official has let it slip that the Aerospace Defense Forces, formerly known by the far more descriptive and succinct name of the Space Forces, would not be able to cope with any large scale invasion by extraterrestrial unfriendlies, though they claim that they would have no trouble dealing with one lone visitor who just wants to go home.

Apparently some reporter with nothing better to do and too much Vodka in his belly asked the highly pertinent question during a media conference held at something called the “Titov Main Test and Space Systems Control Center” which is responsible for controlling Russia’s satellites, a.k.a Russia’s Alien Detection System.

Presumably while holding back a snicker, Sergey Berezhnoy, the facility’s deputy chief replied…

“So far we are not capable of that. We are unfortunately not ready to fight extraterrestrial civilizations,”

But… what happens when this guy comes calling?

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