Welcome to the first annual edition of Ambrose Mugwump’s Halloween Doghouse of Horrors. Once a year, on the night of All Hallows Eve, we will gather here, in front of this decrepit doghouse beneath the old oak tree, to listen to a trio of tales, creepy and horrific, in which kitties and puppies do things that ain’t at all nice. Tales of the restless undead, of fathomless mystery and of horror unimaginable – horror comparable only to that time when you came home to find that the cat had shredded all your toilet rolls and eaten all the caviar in the fridge…

The Undead Hordes of Damocles Delirium

It was at the stroke of midnight that notorious necromancer Lord Damocles Delirium recited the forbidden words that summoned the hordes of the undead from their graves beneath the forsaken soil of  Salem’s Pet Cemetery.

Delirium had long entertained the idea of using an army of zombie kitties to take over the local Fish Markets, and after years of searching for the fabled Necronomicon he had finally found the right  incantation.

Alas for poor Damocles, things didn’t go quite as planned. The only kitty fresh enough to rise from his grave without collapsing into a pile of bones was young Fluff Davies, who as it turns out was not at all interested in fish, Fluffy being more of a meat and potatoes man. Upon escaping the clutches of the Grim Reaper, young Fluffy chose to ignore the Fish Markets and instead made for the nearest MacDonald’s where he was last seen ordering  a quarter pounder and a large fries, with a small side of  “Braaaiiiins!”.

Damocles however is not an easily discouraged puss. He plans to try again next Halloween – all he needs is a big batch of freshly dead cats, but that is another story…

The Transylvanian Couch Vampire.

This shriveled monstrosity  rises up from the Ninth Circle of Hell every Halloween, sneaks into your house while you’re at work, and sucks the life out of your couch. When you return home at the end of your work day and flop down into the victimized piece of furniture, you find the springs are now sticking into your butt, all the padding has mysteriously vanished, and soon you will have to buy a new couch. It is no coincidence that during the rest of the year many Transylvanian Couch Vampires operate furniture stores.

Dr Sooty – Monster Maker

Dr Sooty Sullivan spent his college years delving into the records of experiments by such luminaries of the Dark Arts as Baron Frankenstein, Herbert West, and Mariah Carey, and finally realized his ambition of being able to subvert the laws of nature by using a modified iPod and an old electric toaster to turn everyday animals into unholy abominations.

Dr Sullivan’s first success was the Tarantula- Chipmunk hybrid below, a monster who distracts his victims by cutely nibbling on some acorns then suddenly leaping for your throat and noming you to death.

This was quickly followed by Ghost Kitty, who has the ability to appear and disappear at will, making him a great nuisance to everyone, especially when they are on the toilet.

Unfortunately Sooty’s plans for world domination came to an abrupt end when he was hit by a garbage truck while making his way to the local Radio Shack. Sooty wasn’t seriously hurt, but while under sedation at the hospital his incoherent ramblings about his experiments led to what the authorities call an “indefinite  stay” at Bellevue Veterinarian Hospital for Deranged Kitties. As for the results of Dr Sooty’s experiments, they’re still out there somewhere, waiting for the day when Sooty can finally lead them to victory over the world of man…

(The stories presented in this anthology are completely true. And if not completely true, then they are at least partly made up.)

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