Apocalypse Now!

Categories:

In The News, The Paranormal

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Oh crap, the Rapture is here! And I haven’t been to confession in 33 years!

This time the world is going to end  on May 21st, or so we are told by a Christian loony tune by the name of Harold Camping. Old Man Camping, who currently resides at the Saint Alowishus Home For The Perpetually Bewildered, claims that the world is going to be flattened by a  series of earthquakes tomorrow, and that everyone except the truly gullible will be spending the rest of eternity kissing Lucifer’s ass.

Not only is this latest prediction of the Endtimes completely bereft of any evidence, but it is being made by the same jackass who predicted that it would all end back in 1994! The other factor adding to my skepticism is  Camping’s claim that, strictly speaking, the world will end only several months after the Rapture. In other words, the zealots go off to heaven to have tea and cookies with the Old Man in the Sky, and the rest of us are left to cope with the aftermath of the earthquakes as God spends months destroying what took him only days to create! Poor bastard, he must be getting old…

But what if granddad there is right? What if the world does get  shaken to pieces on Saturday? Well, I for one will be rather miffed, not so much because of the eternal hellfire but because my angora sweater hasn’t yet come back from the cleaners. Then there’s the fact that my next payday is May 24th, so I will in effect have worked a whole month for free, and I’m just not fond enough of capitalism to be giving my labor away.

There are positives to Armageddon, though. No more reality TV; no more standing in line for hours only to find out that all the Justin Bieber tickets have already been bought out by some acne-ridden, hormone-fueled girlie with a fetish for Canadian lesbians; no more fretting over whether or not Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen are in fact the same person, but above all no more having to put up with terminally deranged egomaniacs who every other year decide to cause trouble by scaring the bejezus out of those sheepish enough to believe all their claptrap.

 

 

 

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A cool customer

Categories:

Odd Animals, The Arts

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This is a guy who does a little street performing not far from where I live. And I gotta tell you, he’s a nice enough guy but his vocals, although boasting a good range, lack, shall we say, a certain warmth.

And then there is his repertoire. I mean, just how often can you listen to a snow dog singing “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” before you want to take a blowtorch to the damn thing? Actually his manners leave a lot to be desired as well, so I take back that bit about him being a nice guy. You know, I once threw him a couple of coins and got absolutely no response! No “Thank you,” no “Hi there,” not even a nod of the head! Rude bastard!

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Cat Triptych of the Day

Categories:

Odd Animals

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And no, that doesn’t mean there will be a new one every day – I have better things to do with my time than continuously refer to my dictionary for the proper spelling of “triptych”.

I’m not sure what this first guy is doing, I can only assume that this is his impression of Lindsay Lohan’s career. Of course, I’m not sure if this is a toilet or a bidet but as implying that Lilo’s career is in the bidet doesn’t make any sense, I will assume that this is indeed a shiny porcelain waste receptacle.

Now this one at first seems to be sweet and harmless. A cute ginger cat nuzzling up to a cute little girl. Now what on earth could possibly be wrong with that? Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that! Our little moppet is clearly wearing a “little red hood,” which suggests to me that this is not at all a harmless kitty, but rather a certain famously devious wolf using a tactic far more effective than dressing up as some deranged senior citizen. If I recall the story correctly this is bad news – at least for the cat, who now faces an uncertain future.

This last one is pretty much self-explanatory – this is a cat boiling up a pot of tea. We can safely assume that it is poison tea, partly because that’s the only kind that cats ever make, and partly because my sources tell me that this particular cat is expecting a visit from an insurance salesman.

 

 

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