Excerpts from my diary.

Excerpts From My Diary  July 2010

July 17  2010

Today it occurred to me that a good idea for a movie would be the story of The Civil War acted out by Mallard ducks. Who would direct?

July 19  2010

12.53 pm

Suggested my Duck Civil War idea to Steven over lunch. He told me he was fascinated but could not take on the project as duck is not kosher. I fear he is being evasive. Not only do I know for a fact that duck is kosher, but Steven’s argument was not helped by the fact that he was devouring a lobster at the time.

4.56 pm

Have had to abandon the duck civil war idea as PETA threatened legal action over the impending duck carnage. Perhaps it could be done using claymation ducks – might Aardman be interested?

I see a brilliant oratory scene where Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettysburg Address while deftly evading a maniacal Colonel Sanders.

July 22nd

Despite amending the idea to involve claymation ducks, the response continues to be less than favorable, ranging from Jerry Levin’s “Who let this loon into my office ?” to Roger Corman’s “That’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.”

Andrew Vajna even told me that if he were to make such a film, it would be his worst mistake since deciding to finance Cutthroat Island rather than finish Arnold’s “The Crusades”. Given that this latter action sent Carolco bankrupt i think Andy is gilding the lily somewhat.

Still, i am not a man to give up easily, and you mark my words – those unimaginative Hollywood hacks have yet to hear the last of Ambrose Mugwump.

Church For Doggies!

Does your best friend lack purpose? Is his life a sea of emptiness in a bleak and  uncaring universe? Is he beset by existential woes? Not too likely if he’s a dog, but just in case your pooch is a neurotic looking for answers to life’s mysteries, he can now find help at Perfect Paws Pet Ministry in Danvers MA. Danvers was previously known as Salem Village, yes that Salem Village).

Once a month the Rev. Thea Keith-Lucas is holding a mass for well behaved Fidos and their humans, treats are included in the service so I suspect we’ll have more than a few atheistic canines sneaking in come the third Sunday of every month.

The Rev asks that the dogs attending be well mannered, leashed and that they refrain from making their own holy water while on church grounds.

From hanging witches to holding mass for pet dogs – Salem has certainly come a  long way in its acceptance of alternative religions!

Lady Gaga Gets Drunk, Grosses Out Baseball Players

In an effort to prove that when it comes to being trashy she doesn’t just write songs about it but she actually lives it, Lady Gaga has gone on the piss and acted like a slut after a Yankees game.

It seems the inebriated one-woman freak show snuck into the team’s clubhouse wearing what for  anyone else would be considered very little, and proceeded to drunkenly tell the players how wonderful they all were while playing with her tits! Er, I should clarify that last line – it was Gaga who was playing with the aforementioned mammaries, not the athletes. Not surprisingly really, since they can get to play with far prettier tits when the groupies come round, and do so with a smaller likelihood of contracting syphilis.

After the impromptu sex show Gaga threw up all over Alex Rodriguez’ baby daughter and was later seen dancing in the car park while holding a whiskey bottle and singing “I’m just a girl who can’t say no!” Okay, I made up those last two, but you know it won’t be long…

It’s the players that I feel sorry for – after being subjected to such a display by a woman who looks like a midget version of Marilyn Manson I suspect these poor bastards will be having nightmares for months to come.

Gaga Goes Nuts Here

Older posts «

» Newer posts

Fetch more items