Unusual Ceiling Guests
Dear Ambrose,
I have cats in my ceiling.
Dude With Cats In Ceiling,
Codswallop, Nebraska
Dear Dude With Cats In Ceiling,
Given that you have failed to elaborate, I can not tell whether you are complaining or bragging about your situation. As it is, from the photo all I can see is that, at best, you have one cat in your ceiling. How it got there I do not know, and I have the uneasy feeling that you do not either — I suspect you are one of those weird people who snatches photos off the internet and then says “funny” things about them.
Yours skeptically,
Ambrose
Puzzling Pooch Confounds Owner
Dear Ambrose,
My dog thinks he’s a psychic. As a result of this he has set up a booth in the front yard and charges gullible people large amounts of money for demonstrations of his abilities. This is usually only a source of embarrassment, especially when news crews stop in front of our house to film, but lately it has started to become a more serious problem. This is because he has started to give out financial advice based on his supposed ability to foretell the future. Last December he advised one of the neighbors to dump all his stock in Microsoft as it would be revealed on New Year’s Day that Bill Gates is one of The Lizard People and this would send prices crashing. As a result of this fallacious advice, my neighbor is now suing my dog for financial damages and mental anguish. Please help me to convince my dog that he has no supernatural powers.
Owner of Deranged Pooch,
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Dear Owner of Deranged Pooch,
You have failed to state your dog’s age, so I do not know if this is a case of youthful folly or if your dog is having some sort of midlife crisis. If the first, you might offer to buy him a really fancy video game console if he promises to come to his senses. If the second, you will just have to wait it out and pray that he doesn’t go out and get hair plugs. It is, of course, possible that your dog is not deluded but is simply some kind of shyster, in which case you might want to wait a couple of years then run him for the White House on some sort of animal rights platform. The most worrying possibility is the one you yourself hint at, namely that your pooch is not quite right in the head. If this is indeed the case, I fear it will not be possible to convince him that he is not psychic, and you will probably have to find some way to make him stick to predictions unlikely to result in financial ruin and its attendant lawsuits. I think you have also overlooked the money-making opportunities implicit in this situation. As a dog who thinks he’s a psychic is a rare find, you could, for example, try to get him his own reality show with a cute title like “Help! My Dog Thinks He’s Psychic!” Try Fox – they’ll take anything.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
Dog Reluctant to Indulge in Sports
Dear Ambrose,
My dog refuses to play soccer with me. Whenever I ask him to kick the ball he just gives me a weird and disconcerting look. What can I do about this?
Frustrated Soccer Fan
Chestershire, England
Dear Frustrated Soccer Fan,
I suspect your problem lies not so much in the game as it does in the ball. That thing looks a thousand years old – in point of fact, it looks downright dead. Underneath the sardonic look, your poor dog is probably terrified that at any moment the thing will start moving by itself and start running after him while moaning, over and over, the word “Braaaiiinns!” Here then, is your solution – buy a new soccer ball. If this does not work you could try changing his name to something more inspiring like Pele (this is assuming, of course, that your dog is not already named Pele.) Some sort of soccer coach may also be helpful.
Hoping i have been of help,
Ambrose
Kitchen Trouble
Dear Ambrose,
My neighbor’s giant budgie keeps breaking into my house and helping himself to my pasta. I don’t so much mind the intrusion, but I am starting to run out of pasta. Also, he never does the dishes before leaving. I once tried to shoo him out of the kitchen by flapping the dishcloth at him, but he just laughed at me and went back to stirring the pot. What can I do about this without offending either my neighbor or the budgie?
Bugged By Bird,
Detroit, Michigan
Dear Bugged By Bird,
You silly person, it’s quite obvious what you can do about this distressing situation – stop buying pasta. If you have no pasta, the bird has no reason to break into your house to cook the pasta that you do not have.
Hoping you learn some sense,
Ambrose
Pet’s Unusual Wardrobe Disturbs Owner
Dear Ambrose,
My dog wears funny hats. I suspect he is doing this in order to embarrass me. What can I do?
Embarrassed By Own Dog
Cleveland, Ohio
Dear Embarrassed By Own Dog,
I don’t think that thing in your photograph is actually a hat. I suspect it is one of those collars people used to wear during the Renaissance, the kind you see in portraits of Elizabeth the First. This leads me to believe that your dog is something much more embarrassing than you have suspected – I think he may be one of those strange characters who like to attend Renaissance Fairs. As this is a much more serious problem than the mere wearing of funny hats, I suggest you limit his access to doggy treats until he promises to stop being such a nerd.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
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