Man Has Cat Problem
Dear Ambrose,
My cat Sneaky Sam likes to hide, and he likes to hide a lot. In fact, he hides so often and is so good at it that most people don’t even believe I have a cat and think I am just being a jerk or, worse yet, trying to big note myself by pretending to have a cat. This situation is causing strain in my social life and making me look dishonest, so I would like some suggestions as to how I can convince Sneaky Sam to be more open about his existence. Please find enclosed a photo of Sneaky Sam hiding.
Owner of Elusive Feline
Missouri
Dear Owner of Elusive Feline
There is no cat in the picture you have sent me, hence I can only assume that you do not have a cat. I suspect you are either a dreadful liar or some sort of crazy person. Please find yourself a therapist, preferably not an imaginary one.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
Owner Unhappy With Dog’s Outdoor Activities
Dear Ambrose,
My dog digs up my yard. I know a lot of people can say that, but my dog does it with earth-moving equipment! He even went to the trouble of enrolling in the local community college in order to get the license required to operate the excavator seen in the picture! We have no idea where he would have gotten the money for such an expensive machine so we suspect he stole it from a nearby construction site. We have tried all sorts of things to get him to stop, like bribing him with extra kibble and threatening to take away his X-Box but nothing works. Adding insult to injury, he often makes the lamest of excuses for his behavior such as claiming that he is looking for Blackbeard’s treasure or building us a new swimming pool. Please help us – we fear that one day we will wake up to find that our house has become an island surrounded by a waterless moat.
Doggy Digger Driving Dada Daffy
Tennessee
Dear Doggy Digger Driving Dada Daffy
I have an ideal solution to your problem. If your dog is so keen on digging, why don’t you send him off to work in construction? He already knows his way to at least one construction site, so how hard can it be? That way doggy digs around to his heart’s content and he gets a load of cash, which should come in handy as I suspect he is soon going to need a lawyer.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
Concerned About Pet’s Health
Dear Ambrose,
My dog has some sort of weird tumor on his head. What can I do about this?
Owner of Unwell Pooch
Pineapple Falls
Minnesota
Dear Owner of Unwell Pooch,
That’s not a tumor, you fool, it’s some sort of fancy hat! And who are you to criticize your dog’s fashion choices? He’s an adult dog isn’t he? If he wants to wear silly hats that’s his business, not yours. Learn to have some respect for others’ need to express themselves through fashion and you will find life much easier.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
Owner Fears Reptilian Mischief
Dear Ambrose
My gecko is a war mongering bastard. He has on several occasions blown up neighbor’s mailboxes and recently declared war on all the local cats. He hides near trash cans in the alley and then launches a barrage of shells at them while yelling rude things like, “Yeah! Eat that, furball!” I am afraid not only for the local feline population but for George himself as his activities may draw the attention of the NSA and land him in one of those secret prisons they have in Oklahoma.
PSGeorge is the name of my gecko.
George’s Owner
Nevada
Dear George’s Owner
I’m afraid there’s not much that can be done about a radicalized gecko and your only option may be to enlist him in the U.S army. I hear they are pretty desperate these days and will take anyone willing to be paid in live crickets. Between his warmongering attitude and the fact that he has his own equipment it shouldn’t be long before he is a four star general. After that, you can probably run him for the senate on a major party ticket and if he wins it will give him something to do other than harass the local cats. It will probably be bad news for certain arid parts of the world, but no solution is perfect.
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose
Inactive Dog Problem
Dear Ambrose
My dog constantly irritates me by going into trances. He does this at least twice a day, just walks into the room that I am in, sits down and “Zoink!” he’s in a trance that will last up to an hour. What can I do about this irritating behavior?
Hassled By Spaced Out Dog
Providence
Rhode Island
Dear Hassled By Spaced Out Dog
How do you know that he is in a trance? Maybe he’s just resting his eyes or maybe he’s taken up transcendental meditation. Try tricking him by yelling “My, what’s the vet doing with such a large hypodermic!?!?” If this does not work you can shout out “Hey, look! I won some tickets to see the Bangerz tour!” This one should work on him regardless of whether he likes or dislikes that girl with the tongue, the only danger being that if he falls into the latter group the horror of it all may kill him. If neither of these get a rise out of him he may indeed be in a real trance, perhaps some kind of narcolepsy thing. The most important point to remember is to not mistake him for dead and bury him in the backyard under the old apple tree, as this could put a strain on your relationship with your companion animal and draw the ire of the authorities. Looking on the bright side, there are many uses for a dog in a trance. For example, you can use him as a door stop, or as an unusually large and cumbersome paperweight, or just as a conversation piece. When visitors come over and ask what’s up with your dog you can always say, “Oh, that’s Sunny Jim, he hasn’t been the same since his trip to India.”
Hoping I have been of help,
Ambrose